Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
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I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
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you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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