Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
