OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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