well I can't set my house on fire every night
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
