dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
