so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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