I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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