I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
