don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
