don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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