You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
