I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
