Only a mothe r could love this liver
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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