Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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