I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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