I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
