i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
