The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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