You made me cry and you don't even care
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
