I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
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