I faked an abortion last night.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
All the doctor said was why
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
