Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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