I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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