I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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