wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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