Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
