His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She's the barista slut.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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