I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
