masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
