Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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