I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.