but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?