she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?