i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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