No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
