You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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