bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
