My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
