he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
