So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
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The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
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Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.