I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.