I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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