I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic