you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
