Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
