He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I am one with the molecules
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I smell like Dick and happiness
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
