I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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