Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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