My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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