Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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