Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
