maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
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Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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