Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
