oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
