I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I think my moral compass just broke
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