I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
