i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
