You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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