he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
